....I have a blogspot?

lolololol I'm just on tumblr too much.
Aaaaand I'm not posting that here.
I think I'm going to delete this blog shortly.
I've said things in the heat of a moment.


Stuff happened tonight. Joe told me something and I knew he was scared to tell me for whatever reason but I am so proud of him and he is so brave. He's a sweet kid.

And I feel like a horrible person.
Often, we get so caught up in our own fragile emotions that we don't realize other people have them as well. My drive to rave about my feelings, and to see them on text, creates a chance for the people who caused these feeling to also be hurt. I sometimes forget that I'm not the only one who is broken on occasion.

I just needed to record this thought at least. That's all for now, anyway.

Klassy with a capital K.

My dad works in DC, right?

 So he always complains about how we never skype, and he misses me so much and yada yada, but in my head I'm like whatever you're a complete ass and you make stuff a million times more complicated for me and I'm actually happier now that you're never home , and then he calls me up when I'm watching my 30 rock, and then I say I want to go eat some dinner and will call him back once I finish making it. It hardly took me 5 minutes, I called him back and he didn't answer.

...Seriously?

I'm not going to go hit my head against the wall or anything(I have homework anyway), but I'm a little confused. He tries to be nicer, friendlier, there for me more, whatever, and when I react to that in order to not seem snobby he doesn't even pick up. Chances are, he's going to tell my mom that I hung up on him or didn't call him back or some bullshit.

If he told me that he had to go or something, I'd get it. But if you're going to be an ass when I don't want to talk to you because I'm really really busy, the least you could do is tell me when you don't want to talk to me. You're a dick. I won't get mad. I have better things to do than try to pretend like I'm interested/convinced when you start flattering me and trying to fix things.

You treat me like shit, and when you decide to ask me what problems I have with you, you get all defensive and start blaming everything on me. You've made me cry over nothing and you've put my brothers through way more bullcrap than they deserve. I would take a bullet for them. I really would. But for you? Maybe not. I hate you and what you've said and done to me and this family will take whole hell of a lot more than just a fucking compliment on skype to get me to even consider to stop loathing you.

Remember when I said this was closed? I lied.

I need this blog too damn much.
The other day, I said something which was taken out of context and blown out of proportion into something offensive and then it got around to the whole freshman class, and so now everyone thinks I'm a biased, racist dickwad. I don't want to get into it in vigorous detail, but it was just one of those moments when I had no idea what was going on until I had said it.

After 3 years of 12 year old hell  middle school, I'm kind of used to the evil eye from people, but this is just a little much for me to handle.
Now, I explained what went on in my head to the person I said it to and she said it was fine, but in the meantime, either she's not really okay, or it hasn't spread to the world that I'm not actually a racist dickwad.

Both options worry me. I mean, I'll only be in contact with these people for a few more weeks, but it'll be hard studying for finals if the world hates me.
I talked to Andrew though. I'm so grateful for the friends I do have here, people who will listen to me but also tell me to shut up and stop worrying about things. He let me blab for a half hour, even though it was an hour past his 'bedtime'.
I'm temporarily at ease at this moment in time. Hopefully, it lasts until after school tomorrow.

That being said, goodnight.

To whom it may concern,

I moved my personal thoughts, for the most part, to itsonlyokaywhenisayit.tumblr.com .
I may post again here, but the new site actually has followers who read my posts.
Au revior,
Molly

I don't own emotion, I rent.

Urinetown opens tonight.

I just wanted to vent. Because honestly, that's the best use of this space right now.

I don't know if I'm getting hyper sensitive, but it seems like I'm the biggest fuck up in this show.
I'm the one making all the mistakes. I am the root of all problems and I am the one who needs to be corrected. Because, clearly, I have no previous experience on stage and everyone else, even freshman have autority over me.
I am so sick and tired of people correcting me all the time. Someone messes up? You don't need to flat out tell them. People need to stop being self absorbed divas and realise that people do make mistakes, and that doesn't mean it's a permanent problem. Its like people are wacthing my every move,and if I fuck up its this huge deal.

It hurts a little more than I pretend it does.

But I'm okay though.
I had a long talk with Andrew and Lizz. I love my nerds.
I'm in a better mood than when I last posted. Improvement?

I just thought I should document it.
Although I am not in the cute social group I would like to be, I am appreciated and people do care about me. Maybe not all in the same place, but they are there. I can always bother Andy on the trip.

As I'm packing for New York, I kind of realize what sort of state my wardrobe is in after I cleaned out my closet. I'm in dire need of long pants that actually fit and don't make my thighs look like large tumors on my legs.
Also, I need bras. The ladies have grown a little-thank you god.
TMI?
Probably.

I also need to get my desk cleared off, at minimum.

Geez. I'm going to get so self conscious in NYC. I'm not even rooming with people I'm uneasy around. Jane, Tab, and Jess? They've all seen me looking my worst. I'm not concerned.
But for some reason, I'm worried I will dress stupidly. Or pack that way.
Gah. I need to go shopping before we leave, damnit. For now, though, I'm packing what I can.

To Do:

1. clear off desk and in front of dresser
2. shop for bras that fit better, pants, "practical" makeup(better mascara, brown liner)
3. go to library for Regina Spektor and other good CD's. Load onto iTunes and sync with iPod.

that should be enough accomplishments for my life right now.

-sigh-
Hasta for now.

"How Do You Feel Today?"

While cleaning out my backpack, I discovered this album, which was being handed out for free at a cd store downtown when I was there after school one day. I actually listened to it, and I'm not totally sure what to make of it. All the tracks kind of sounded the same. I mean, all of the them are interesting pieces of electronica, but are all comprised of the same sounds and had the same feel to all of them. I don't know if its boring or brilliant. I think when I'm doing homework or something, I'll listen to it all over again and re-evaluate it.

But that won't be for a while. It's spring break. 

I'm heading to New York in a few days with the drama club.

I guess I'm excited. I don't really know anymore.

It's funny. In my last post, I mentioned self  respect, but I'm not sure I can really get my self confidence back anymore. 

Lately, I've just felt a lot of angst that's hard to get over. I've been feeling really alone and unappreciated. At school, no one wants to talk to me or is interested in how I'm doing. I don't belong there. It's mostly in the theater community.

I've tried so hard to stay positive and to seek people out. I guess I'm just a tag along. No one wants me around. At all. I feel so distant from everyone.  Everyone is already in their own little circles and I'm just sort of there. I don't belong in any of them.

I have the feeling that NYC is just going to be a whirlpool of all of that. Everyone else talking together and laughing  and having a time, and then there will be me in the back, alone, with no one to talk to. Because really, who would want to talk to obnoxious, boring freshman Molly?

At least I might be gone soon. DC will be a great way to start over. I just worry I'll have trouble finding somewhere to settle there.

I needed this rant. It's sad I can't talk to anyone else about this sort of thing. 

Hopefully, New York won't be how I'm predicting. Maybe there are friends going that I'm not thinking of right now. My angst is confused.

Hasta.

Awkward turtle weather, picking a school, and some wisdom from an old friend

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do"-Eleanor Roosevelt


Now, I don't know if the weather is just messing with us right now and secretly plans for a blizzard tomorrow, but right now, its the awkward phase between winter and spring. Mild mornings and warmer afternoons, then freezing evenings. I've been walking to school since the snow melted, and of course being the daughter of a Jewish woman, dress warmer than I need to. Our thermostat is broken which is really frustrating because I have to essentially be my own meteorologist and guess how warm I need to dress in order to stay warm on the walk to school. This either works really well or fails miserably.
The other day I walked to scool in my bomber jacket and over it I had this gorgeous peacoat I got at F21 recently. I started out fine, if not a little cold,  and by the time I got to the band room door I was shedding layers. I had armpit smell about me all day. I'm still a little embarrased even if no one really pointed it out to me.

As for the DC move, I've been looking at high schools with my mom-yes, I actually get to pick where I spend the next three years, thank you god-and the results have been interesting. She found two schools that boast great art and music progams. I was up til 3 looking at clubs, classes, and reviews on various websites for choosing schools.

The first school I looked at was Walt Whitman High School. At first, it seemed promising- lots of clubs and things, even a club for Jewish students. At a closer, more detailed view, it's not as great. The test scores are sky high, (on greatschools.com, central ranks a 5 on meeting standars. WWHS is a solid 10) the lack of diversity is ridiculous. The school is extremely well funded in everything it offers, and like most rich schools, comes attached to a specific type of person. The students get the idea that  they are better than people around them, and from what I'm getting from pictures, have a very specific type of person you have to be in order to fit in. The model student has a bland way of dressing. Not unique. The percent of black and hispanic students is lower than the county's average. It seems like the school is mostly white and asian. Not really my cup of tea. I'm not going to learn much if everyone is the same.

The other one I looked at, Walter Johnson, is more or less the same. The theater program has a huge reputation, but I honestly don't think it's totally great. They put on one play and one musical each year. I'm not really liking the choices for them. Most of them are kind of over rated prestigious plays. Lots of Shakespeare and classical stuff. I mean, I appreciate that, but I love plays that are more modern. Even dirtier period plays seem out of the question at this theater. The user reviews on great schools.com are a mixed bag. Many of the reviews said the school challenged students and taught them real world skills and from what I saw of the classes, offer some decent courses in art. My biggest concern, like for Walt Whitman High, is the "snobby rich kids".

I talked to David about picking schools. He doesn't seem too fond of most of the kids on the coast. I got some really good advice from him: respect youself, and other people will respect you; ignore people who try to get to you; and be above the stupidity.

How did he get so freaking smart?

With these principles in mind, I actually got along with the people in my spanish class today. They didn't make fun of me. I actually felt respected. Not wanted or liked, per se, but respected. It felt good not to hear that laugh behind me and not get a bad feeling in my stomach from it.  I find it sort of pathetic, yet eye opening, that I had to be spoon fed as simple of a lesson as self respect.

Today was mediocre, which is more than I can say most of the time. I got word again that people think I'm annoying. I actually confronted someone today about it. Before, I wouldn't have the guts.
Suddenly, I'm not as afraid as I was.
It all connected in my head, I guess. A lot of stuff happened today. Most of it was messy. Regardless, I think I've emerged less socially handicapped. I guess I'm easier to read than I thought.
I need to just calm the fuck down when I'm around people. I don't know why I get so anxious. I think the subconscious reaction is like "OMGYAYSOMEONEWHODOESN'THATEMYGUTSWHEEE!"and then I start to blather. As a result (like Curiously Social  tries to explain), people start talking about me and I get very much misunderstood. As awkward and stupid as it was, I'm glad I learned something.

Bottom line: liking yourself, even a little, is really good for you, and just because you want to say something doesn't mean you should.

Because like it or not, not everyone is going to care if you know the origin of the tune of the national anthem.

I really just want to shut myself out from society all weekend. Work on biology, pick up and throw stuff away in my room.
Hell. I don't want to go to improv. I embarrassed myself enough as it is.
I just feel really stupid for ignoring Alex when he said I was trying to direct.
He was right, he was just being an ass about it.

I need to just calm down a little bit. Or learn. But honestly, the bad in the world isn't as bad as I thought, and the good in the world isn't as glistening shiny amazing as I thought. The in crowd has a way of doing that-seducing you into thinking that thier lifestyle is by far the best, and then you get there and it so wasn't worth it.

And there's always the reset button. Also known as Maryland.
Oy vey.

Hasta.

The Theater, The Theater. What Happened To The Theater?

I entered middle school as an insecure, but loud-mouthed 6th grader. I hardly knew anyone, until I went out on a limb and went to a drama club meeting, already aware that I had no friends from my old school who were going. Attending that meeting might have been the best decision of those 3 years. The people I met through  clubs I joined changed me so much as a person.

Drama club made me feel like I was really a part of something special. I would be feeling left out one day,  then I would come to drama club.  I was surrounded by people that were like me —people that actually wanted to hear what I had to say and liked who I was. I learned to be fearless speaking in front of people and to be proud of who I am, no matter where I go.

Choir taught me to love making music, and that I'm my own worst critic. I learned so much about working together for something larger,  I also learned how to go about different styles of singing, and the difference between singing by alone and singing with a group. Even though I was only involved for a year, I gained so much more than I thought.

It's the most amazing thing to see people that come from all different backgrounds to join together and make something incredible out of hardly anything. By the end of the year, every student involved felt special. Both of these activities made me feel wanted, like I could really make a difference, and because of that I gained a lot of self esteem that I still carry with me. Because of its effect on kids, art unites what is usually a very divided and cliquey middle school.

I know that are always going to be kids that were like me, unsure and insecure, that are going to come into middle school more or less alone. It would break my heart if people like me didn't have those teachers and classes to help them with self esteem and confidence. Without the drama class, there's no teacher to run the drama club. Without choir and drama as separate classes, someone like me would have nowhere to turn to.  Is the solution really a "musical theater" class? What's going to happen to my 12 year old brother, who wants to try acting, but hates singing?

My middle school's arts program changed me in a way that I am still grateful for, even in high school. I don't know who I would be without them. Sometimes, drama club and choir were the only two reasons I got out of bed in the morning for school. If the drama and music program merge, and the clubs are gone, I wonder how thats going to hurt my little brother.

Monday, and a realization. Ohm...

Yesterday I was supposed to hang with Priya, Jeremy, David, and Roly to play D&D.
10-12, then rehearsal, then Cocomero with Emma, Mir, and Jeremy.

What actually happened is as follows.

I set my alarm for 8am but fell back to sleep, because NPR does not wake me up very well on a weekend, and then I blinked and it was 10:15, and Joey was at my door telling me that someone was waiting outside for me.
I literally threw stuff on, and then ran out and apologized for being late.
Roly couldn't make it, which is whatever. I'm not really sure what to make of him anyway.
I stayed at Priya's building a gnome rogue (squee!) until about 12:30, then went back home to grab stuff for rehearsal.
I couldn't find my freaking script, so I grabbed a pair of shorts and my phone then ran out the door.
Rehearsal went until 6. Sadness, kinda.
I really like the dances for this show. I think I'm getting better at dancing, plus the dance thus far for Mr.Cladwell is super easy.
Except there is going to be a lot of spinning at the start, which we havent learned yet. I'm really bad at spinning. Or being graceful in general with movement.
Theres a bit where we dance with clipboards, and we toss them...I cut myself right on the inside of my left wrist during the toss, and now it looks like I'm emo, because its right next to a big vein. It's just a scratch, but it looks ugly.
I had to cancel Cocomero due to a lack of time, funds, and transportation. There's talk of a movie on Thursday, but I'm not counting on it.

I came home and some old neighbors, who are in town from washington state, came over. It was nice seeing them again, especially now that the difference between Hannah and I is less. She's a senior this year. Its interesting because we seem a lot less distant in maturity now. Ish.
-sigh-

I went into a bit of a panic attack. I had promised myself to avoid negative energy, and I broke that promise. I'm more upset with myself than anything. I suppose that was the idea.

I came to a realization though. I've been trying to make lessons, strategies in which to live by, but life is simple. Teenagers, especially girls, overlook that. They contradict themselves, and make exceptions and little seperate clauses for different scenarios.
But whether these girls like it or not, life is simpler than that.
Do what makes you happiest. Its worth it.
Treat everyone with kindness and respect, regardless of who they are or how they treat you. A person is a person, no matter how small. Or mean. Or ugly. Ha. Irony...
Stand up for what you believe in, but do it with pride and kindess in your heart. If you don't, who will?

Cheesy?
In all seriousness, though, I think theses "rules" are in back of people's minds, but only in effect when they want them to be. Not all the time as intended.
I feel enlightened somehow. O.o
Probably not. I think my brain just imploded a little.
Hasta.

My Weekend At A Glance.

Drop Dead Diva: a courtroom drama about a ditzy model who is killed by a grapefruit truck and then gets reincarnated into the body of a fat lawyer 8 years older than she is.

I don't know if I love it or hate it, but its like Ugly Betty with a focus mostly on body image, instead of racial profiling or whatever. I've been watching since Friday.

Alice opened and closed fairly well. The cast party at Fridays was decent. I felt wanted, which is a rarity. After the saturday night show I whored around downtown with Jeremy, Miranda, and Emma.  Which was awesome. Today, of course, I had sunday school. 

Mas o menos, I had to write this purim play for the littluns by myself for two reasons:

1. Roo, the person who had written the other half it, was gone for god who knows why.

2. the group I was with were chatting and being irrelevant the entire time

So of course, as always in situations such as this, I'm stuck doing everything.

After sunday school I went to Stephanie's office and asked about electives for next semester. 

She put me in the ones she wanted. Not me. Thats why I got stuck being part of the inefficient and poorly executed plan to improve the music program. 

The problem is that the music isn't fun anymore. 

The board is convinced that this can be solved via the younger end of the congregation.

Namely, the hebrew high class. Myself included.

Most of the people that come to the services are not my age. They need to get the people that actually go to the services interested. Plain and simple. 

In other words, the old jews are going to have to like what goes on, too. Not just the group of teenagers that are uberly self conscious around adults. Thats not going to work. Sorry.

So now she puts me in this new innovative photography class. Something about posed photos that portray people. It's taught by the guy that called me "Princess" until I was 13.

His daughter does makeup for a lot of shows at school. It's not like I have anything against him. I swear.

The course just sounds sort of bogus.

I cannot wait until I'm confirmed and done with this stupidity. Honestly.

Anyway, after that disaster, I went striaght to the matinee, which went well. I came home and I just finished season 1 of Drop Dead Diva.

Aka, I was a lazy bum from 5:10pm until 12:10am- the current time.

I have a busy Monday. Gaming and rehearsal. I'll get to that tomorrow.

That being said, hasta.

You're outvoted, you're demoted, its time to take the scepter away.

Billy Reid makes me so happy. I'm not really sure why. He's really not that great without his videos.


Alice opens tonight. Emma is in town. And damnit, I'm actually going to see her this time. She's coming to the show on Saturday and maybe Sunday.

I need to maintain my own happiness more. And to do that, I think there are a few things I need. That being said, I'm making a list so I know exactly what I need to improve the world.

A really, really good camera
A tablet
Clothes. Oy vey.
Actual nails. So I need to stop biting them.
A clean room.......really. Its a pit.

Thats all I can think of now. Its not that buying stuff is going to just BAM make me happy, but it will certainly help me maintain sanity for the rest of the term. Some of the people here get on my nerves all too fast.

I might move to DC. I'd actually be okay with that.  DC is so much more diverse than Chambana, so much more accepting of the interesting.

Girl drama I had going on back home just seemed so dumb next to all of those big buildings.  As  in people actually making a difference, be it positive or negative, not just skinny whores whispering about how to turn someone they just don't happen to like into  a laughingstock.

High school is just a whole different dimension. In the real world, no one gives you crap if you're a virgin, or if you choose to spend your saturday nights playing Settlers Of Cataan, or whatever. With that in mind, I think I can survive and generally be pretty happy long term, but I can't wait until it's over.

Two posts in a day. Whatcha gonna do? Huh?

I'm not going to the Band Geek's show. Goodwill/costume shopping is waiting untill tomorrow after rehearsal. I have such a busy night planned on saturday: rehearsal, goodwill, and roughly an hour to get ready for the dance at 8 or 9ish, and that ends at 11-unless something happens with my date/the group of people we're going with.

Right now, I'm at Ruth's place. My favorite hoodie that I basically live in is missing and I feel kind of naked without it right now. I swear to god her house absorbs important stuff if I leave it there. I'm going to get pissed if it's gone for a long time. That jacket is kind of important for school, because I have a lot of morning classes by the window. And Coach Jefforson NEVER lets you move seats. Ever.

I've missed Roo. I vented to her about Alex. I really needed to tell her. She cares about me enough to be frank when I need it in moments like this. She's so skepitical about the whole thing. I love her, but god damnit, I can take care of this. I know how to go about school dances now.

Plus the ones at Uni are so insanely chill. I know everyone worth talking to. A bunch of Starkids said they were going. It won't be awkward. It won't. Compared to homecoming, nothing is awkward.
We won't be by ourselves at Minneci's, eating crutons.
-shudder-

I just really hope I can get the album from whoever is going to be selling them at school. Eva said in Art that it sounds good.

Speaking of which. First semester, I took Cultural Arts, which was so freaking stupid and easy. The only reason the course title sounds so sophisticated is because colleges aren't going to take it seriously if they know what the class really is.
YOU MAKE FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS. FOR A FREAKING GRADE.
Even the art teacher calls it her "crafts class". Yup. Like Crafts time. Like what I used to do by myself in the playroom when I was little.

The class sucked. The kids in it were stupid and took it as a blow off class. I don't think my counselor even knew that I actually know how to do most of the stuff in a "craft class".

So now I'm in Art Survey 1 for second. Its basically an overview of a bunch of different tecniques,and the people in the class actually want to be there, or at least nice people, anyway. Right now we're doing a demension and line study where we draw these white wooden cylinders that she arranges on a table in the middle of the room. I've seen drawings from last semester and I saw the figures every day during Cultural arts, so I know there's a sphere, a cone, and a few other things.

Its great drawing practice. I've really liked being in this class so far because I get a lot of compliments from people around me. Eva sometimes looks over my shoulder and watches me draw and oohs and aahs over it. Its really good for my little bitty artistic self esteem, plus I'm getting some awesome realism practice with shading and drawing from a reference.
Finally. A class I actually am doing something useful in. I love the art teacher anyway. She carries most of the arts program by herself, except for I think maybe 2 art classes? Nuts. She's such a good person. I think she's more observant and knowledgable than I think. If I'm ever an art teacher, I want to be just as enthusiatic and kooky. She gives this pride and confidence to everyone who tries. She pushes people to do thier best. I love that.
-warm fuzzies-
Ruth just got home from her horseback riding lesson. Plus I'm about to go into my Mr. Fones stupid touch typing method mode. Which gets trippy.

Hasta.

Tafetta, darling. Tafetta.

*elbow handshake*

So today I have 4 tests, no rehearsal, little sleep, and possible a Band Geeks show for their new album. I'm really excited, but I might not be able to go. Parental unit is visiting Lauren in Chicago and I'm staying at Ruth's overnight.

Two of the people in the Band Geeks are also in Urinetown with me, so I can still get the album, but it's always awesome seeing them live. In terms of  personality, they're like Moxy Frouvos. The Band Geeks kind of joke around between songs, and it gets this great energy going in the audience.  That's something thats really unique to them in contrast to other bands. Come to think of it,  I don't think I would like Moxy Frouvos as much if they didn't have banter with the audience on thier live tracks. They're kind of too folky for me.
That was a lousy comparison and a waste of ramble. But the point is that I really, really want to see The Band Geeks live because its going to be amazing to watch.

The other option, of course, is to go to goodwill and get costume pieces. I need a skirt and apron, plus I need to get t shirts for me and maia for Starship next week.
I still can't believe I'm going to see it live. I'm still going to watch it when it premiers on Youtube, but in my head its this giant fangirl moment. I'm going to get to be in the same theater as Joey Richter, Lauren Lopez, Brian Rosenthal-people I've admired since before AVPM went viral.

-squeal-

Hasta.

Don't You Trouble Your Pretty Head.

The title is from Sex by the Pipettes. It's stuck in my head. Don't judge.
I'm not really sure why its called Sex....but the lyrics are kinda cute.

Anyway, something happened last night that makes my last post kind of ironic.
I was creeping on facebook, minding my own business, and then Alex chats me. I haven't seen them since StudProd. They're a creeper too, and so they know about my all that good stuff only a true creep would know....

I know a shit ton of people at Uni. I went to their homecoming with Ruth. She tells me there are rumors swimming arounf about me just because I was there. I don't really care, I looked hotter there than I did at UHS, plus I actually knew what I was doing.

So anyway, Alex asked me to the dance. As more than friends. Alex said that they liked me for a little bit after Cameron's party. We were kinda flirting with each other, so I wouldn't be suprised. I told Alex I had a bit of a crush for a while too, and still sort of do.
I mean, this is so amazing, cause if it happens, Alex would be my first everything. <3
The only problem?

Alex has a girlfriend. She's really pretty, too.
Apparently this girl has gotten asked to cheat on Alex by guys...and Alex knows about it.
Damnit, why do all the crumbs of hope have girlfriends already?

Alice is coming together, but it's still kind of rough around the edges. Urinetown just started and the music is awesome, but the alto part is either too high for my life or really hard. Or both. And the girl part in Mr. Cladwell? While I'm next to two incredible lead sopranos? Fuggeddaboudit.
>.<
And I still need to go to goodwill and get costume pieces. Once again, I'm not incredibly happy with my costume. Its better than hairspray, anyway, and much more flattering, but I'm sick of looking frumpy on stage.

Theater makes me feel beautiful. Graceful. Feminine. Even when I do play frumpy characters, usually...
I think its the laughter and applause I get. I didn't feel elegant or graceful or anything when I was Director, but I felt good about myself. I said about a year ago that when I act, I feel like a different person hiding behind the charachter. Its hard to explain now...

Now I'm not so sure anymore. I hate being chorus. I hate just being in the background, pretending to be interested in dialogue that I KNOW I could do 5 times better. I hate feeling insignificant and frumpy. I miss CPD, where they actually know I'm talented and actually try to push me a little bit. I'm so happy to be doing stuff that bitch hipster isn't in over the summer. I'm actually debating auditioning for Parkland's spring show, because they need kids this time, but I worry I won't have time. Alice opens next week but that means Urinetown is going to rule my life. I don't even have lines!

I love that ranting here makes me feel better. Its like the blogosphere is the only place where I can talk about whatever the fuck I want and no one can do anything about it.
That's all I got today. Hasta.

Of Love, Aspergers, and Wild Assholes

Just from wanting her memories in writing
A story her folks can be told
A person
Can develop a bad,
Bad,
Cold

I feel like I've quoted that song in this blog before. Ah well.
Valentines day is just around the corner. Usually, I couldn't care less-I'm okay with being single, anyway.
My mom makes heart shaped pancakes, which is cheesy, but they're really good.

But last year, I was well aware of how stupid middle school relationships are.
The thing is, relationships are actually serious in high school. Suprise, suprise.

That being said, its going to be so insanely pathetic when I'm single and alone, for the five millionth time, when everyone else is all cutesy and sappy with thier significant other.

On top of all that, I don't even know who I'm going with to Vice Versa. After the shit boat of my homecoming experience, I don't know if its worth the awkwardness.
But for the most part, the guys at my high school are such blockheads that its kind of pointless to try to search out someone to ask. They're all stupid, ugly, ignorant, or a combination of the 3.

I'm not looking for a prince charming. I swear. But it'd be interesting to actually experience something. I've never even kissed anyone! It's pathetic. Honestly, though, I'll probably just go with friends. And Valentines Day? Lets call it singles appreciation day, pop in a really bad chick flick and dance around in a hot dress by myself. Problem: (sort of) solved.

I came across this book recently- something about social habits. It's aimed at people with social disorders. I don't think Max has anything serious. He's not that awkward.
At any rate, I decided to pick it up and see if its useful in any regard to someone who hasn't tested as someone with Aspergers or whatever.

For the most part, the book breaks down our society's social expectations into simple, logical terms. It stresses the idea that in order to properly function as a  human being, you need to be able to act appropriately about other people. It seems very pro-status quo, which is to say that it indicates that you should always care what people think about you.

No matter what this book recognizes or doesn't, to some extent, its just healthy not to care what people think of you. The big thing is that people are not always going to like you. Girls are assholes. Boys are assholes. Regardless of social rules, there will always be people who aren't interested in being friends with you, no matter what your behavioral habits are.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't care what people think about you, period, but to some extent its good to ignore the common wild asshole in its natural habitat.

I'll admit, I did learn something from the book. I really need to be aware of other people while I'm interacting with them. I talk too much, often about stuff that is irrelavent, annoying, or uninteresting.  With that idea in mind, and the fact that, to a degree, other people are unaware of the unspoken social rules that I expect them to know. Other people might expect me to keep my damn mouth shut. Its simply the primative result of evolution that when someone does something unexpected, it makes people uncomftorble. (the book uses "they are uncomftorble" as a synonym for "they aren't going to like you". I loled.)

You know what? There's an asshole right next to me who is talking about absolutely nothing. I'm confusing myself listening to him jabber and trying to type at the same time. Fuck it.

That being said, hasta.

In regards to your letter of complaint, fuck you.

I'm actually having an okay morning. Except I accidentally took two of my concentration meds....oops.
I just sort of feel uptight. Nothing totally ridiculous. I'm a little hyper. But I'll life. My mountain dew at lunch with just have to be for Tabitha.

Boys are dumb. Girls are bitchy. My friends are neither, and I'm thankful. I'm in a much better mood than I was all week. I just hope its not the overdose or a temporary mood swing. I don't think I've felt this good about myself in a long time.



I was able to retake the test that I was accused of cheating on. It was impromptu but I think that was the only way for it to be thought as really fair. My mom talked to my spanish teacher about how abnormal it is for me to cheat on test or lie, and thankfully Ms. Gutierrez at least understood that it was out of character for me. She had nothing but good things to say about me to my mom. All of this, of course, I was told on my way out of my 10th period class. Mom literally walked in and took me out of my class. She seems to like Ms. Silverman and Ms. Gutierrez. I'm glad two of my favorite teachers left a good impression on Mom.

I took it, came back, and then Eva said my mom looked nice and pretty. Ha. Most of my friends don't usually get the impression of "nice" because shes rare to geniunely smile and shes strict. Eva and Kenzie both seem like really nice people. I'm glad I saw past my first impressions of them. People that wear Abercrombie give themselves collectively a bad name, but a few of them are really accepting of other people. I love that. Kenzie and Eva both seem anti-boob labeling in terms of stores like that. I'm glad I have such a great group of people to interact with in Art.

Its funny. I don't have an exact group or clique or whatever, but I feel like I fit in to some degree in several circles. I am wanted in conversation but only if I take the initiative. And I think that people that say mean things about me just look like bad people. Thats thier problem. If they have to talk about other people to feel good about themselves then I am strong enough to roll with thier aptly aimed punches.

I look cute, I'm having a good hair day, and I feel good. I think I want to go shopping with some people this weekend along with tech and improv. Andrew is having a violin recital that I actually really want to go to because I've never actually seen him play. It bothers me a little. People say he's really good. He was first violin and second chair in middle school. The piece he's playing is this really intense violin-dominanted classical deal. I really hope I'm able to see that.

I talked to the counselor yesterday and I arranged to take history over the summer. That way, I can take two art classes next year. So I'm taking drama first semester along with an undecided other class, and then I'm taking acting second semester along with another undecided art class, or possibly I might just get a business credit out of the wat. I won't have to take p.e. all year again, too, because I'm taking safety.

Conclusion: the world can suck it because I'm okay right now. I'm not perfect but I am loved, and I am happy.

Hasta.

I win all the prizes. That is all.

What will Sharpay and Ryyyan do when they find ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut?
DUN
DUN
DUN DUN DUN DUN
banowwwww
nanowww
nowwwwwwwwwww
"Number 3: STICK TO THE STATUS QUO!"

Trololol. Everytime there are callbacks for ANYTHING, thats what pops in my head. I kinda miss that show.

My audition went really well. The last time I was this confident about an audition was last summer.
Dancing could have been better, but what can you do?
The callback list is up. No one is gettig cut, so at least I'm in the chorus.
That I can be happy about. It's going to be incredible working with some of the people who weren't in Hairspray.
My whole body is sore from dancing and my throat is in a lot of pain from practicing my belt so much. Nonetheless, I'm happy.

Hasta for now.

My Personal Scale of Evil. I did it before back in 08. I've come a while since then, eh?

Hipsters
Circle I Limbo

Mathematicians
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Ugg wearers
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Bad Teachers
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Republicans
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Creationists
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

People that are suprised to know that school isnt for socializing
Circle VII Burning Sands

General asshats
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Homophobes
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Auditions. AGAIN.

Urinetown auditions are this week.
Double yikes.
I'm trying for Little Becky Two Shoes. But I'll take whatever I can get.
I'm singing "Snuff That Chick" and "Mr. Cladwell", so I'm basically asking for a chorus part.
It'll still be lots of fun I think. I love the music in this show. Its a very dark plot but it looks like a blast to put on.

There's a dance clinic today afterschool. I'm hoping that I get really good at it because my hairspray dance audition was CRAP.  I saw a little bit of it before improv the other day because Schwartz was working on it before Shannon showed up. It doesn't look too bad. Shes a decent enough teacher, anyway.

My only worry is that someone who I dislike, or someone who dislikes me, gets the part. That would suck. Apparently a lot of upperclassmen are trying for it. That worries me. I love singing jazz. It gives me butterflies in my stomach and I know I have the pipes for it. Becky's song is this wicked little jazz number wherien the rebels debate hanging Hope. Its hot and amazing and I would kill to be able to sing it.

But then again, I'm a freshman. I'm lucky if I get cast at all.
-sigh-

On the plus side, if I don't get cast, I'll be able to help with Franklin's spring show a lot more and I'll have more free time. Just doing Alice and Wonderland and guard? Psh. I can handle that a lot easier than 3 shows to work on, plus gaurd. I can handle it, but not being cast would be less stressful.
I'm still auditioning with my all.
Wish me luck?
(if anyone actually reads this anymore)

Hasta.

Think of it not as a 3 day weekend, but as a 4 day week. :D

long weekends bother me for some reason.
I did all my homework this weekend, thank goodness.
I need to ask teachers if I can work ahead-I'm going to have a really busy next few weeks.
Monday afternoon I had rehearsal. Emma is just a riot. Unless everyone learns to be really extreme, she's going to steal the show.
What I also find very amusing is that a lot of typical leads have been reduced to chorus. Granted, the childrens show is usually the smallest deal, but regardless, its comforting.
Improv this weekend was also super fun, and Shannon said I've improved. Again, comforting.
I don't like the people in high school theater as muich as I thought I would, but I still like theater I think.
The thing I am most thankful for, at this point, is that Twiggy didn't audition. I'm SO incredibly thankful. It makes my life easier. Less stressful. I don't want her in my life again, ever. She made me cry too much.
On a happier note, though, this week looks like an A+ week. I'm going to do my best to ignore people who try to bring me down and just work. It'll happen.
Hasta.

Wait. Friday?....Really?

It seems so hard to believe.
This morning I thought there was drama club and so I dragged myself out of bed for the 7:30 call.
There wasn't any drama club.

Its irritating when there's a lack of communication in such a reliant community.

Anyway, yesterday's read through was sort of boring. It turns out the cook doesn't have any lines. Ms. Wilson promised that people would be multiple parts though.

This is such a well cast show. I love that everyone gets along and works together really well. Its not nearly as tense of an environment as Hairspray was. Everyone is comftorble with each other.

Never quite got the hang of thursdays.

Read through today. Should be interesting.
So I was sitting in my first hour taking notes, and I noticed that two girls in front of me were dressed EXACTLY alike.
The uniform here:
north face
tight brand-name t shirt
skin tight jeans
mid calf uggs or ugg ripoffs

Its not the most attractive look for most people here, to be honest.
I'm so thankful I'm my own person.


So damn CUTE! -squeal-

Hasta for now, maybe more later if not tomorrow.

Cast.



"No missus, I went to Oxford."



Call backs didn't happen.

Yup. I'm this bitch right here.
I'm a little upset, but everyone who really deserve a good part got them.
Maddy, for instance, hasn't gotten a lead yet even though she's a sophmore. She's the duchess. It will be such a pleasure to work with her again.
I don't think I actually I have lines, but on the bright side I'm the only freshman who got a named role.
I'm hoping to at least double over as something....the cook only has 1 scene in this version unless I'm mistaken.

In the book, she's a witness at the trial, and I only skimmed over that scene in the script. So hopefully I can say something, but if not, that's just less to memorize.


Its always nice when people who deserve something great finally get it after so much waiting. I'm happy for everyone. Plus, if I ever run out of things to blog about, I can always compare and contrast this show to the one in 6th grade.
Should be interesting.
That being said, hasta.

Audition day...ridiculousness.

of course, all of the major projects and things are starting up today. of course.
-sigh-
I'm auditioning with Jane. She's pretty spiffy. She's  been pushed to try for Alice but is trying for the white queen. I hope she gets called back for the first one.
I have the second audition time on the list though. It worries me. I'm right after two of the best actors at central. Not that much of a problem but they may make me look worse than I am.
I'm trying for the dormouse. I doubt I'll get it. Emma was made for that part, AND shes an upperclassmen. Janjay says not to think negatively, but as a lowlife freshman, I can't help but flip shit. Plus he's the one with the Ginny nomination in his back pocket, so he shouldn't talk.

Boys are dumb and girls gossip to much. More after I audition because I really don't feel like writing much. I'm too nervous and I want to get some homework done before english.
Yup, I writing this in Tech Orientation.
The dumbest class ever.
Hasta.

Alice In Wonderland. AGAIN.

Happy 2011, blogosphere!
I had a fairly low key celebration this year, cause I'm a loser.
The padre got back in town for like a week, and so I got guilt tripped out of having a social life over that span of time. I swear he treats this stuff like I'm never gonna see him ever again.
At this point in time, its difficult for me to really care. For as long as I can remember he's been an over controling, impatient, melodramatic prick to me and my brothers,
Abscence makes the heart grow fonder? Nope. Just made me remember why I didn't like him in the first place. 
^Probably deleting that later. Of course at this point in time he thinks I respect him.
.
You are so dumb. You are really dumb. Fo' real..

ANYWAY.
*ahem*

Central's fall show is Alice In Wonderland.
As some of you know, I did the same in 6th grade. But it sucked and Ms. Dedman was batshit crazy.
I read the script for this one and its this awesome combination of Through the Looking Glass and Adventures in Wonderland.
I'm trying for the dormouse or the duchess.
The thing is with that, though, is the duchess is so much like other characters I've played, almost the exact same entity as Ms. Darbus or Grace. Yeah. The duck.
....Duchess=duck?

Regardless I think it would be interesting to have more stage time then, god forbid, the gym teacher in hairspray. That was 5 and a half lines, :(

When I was little I used to LOVE the 1999 movie, almost to an obsessive degree.
The duchess was always my favorite, and I feel like she was what drew me into my typecast.
It would be such an honor to be able to interpret her with the knowledge I've gained since 6th grade. 

On the other hand, I really want to learn something out of this, and the duchess won't nesesarily do that unless I can tweak her into something out of my typecast.
But the larger part may give me the leg up next year or in Urinetown.

My other option is mostly in place because of the Ms.

I'm starting to hate my obession with politics. Normal people probably don't overthink this stuff.
On the upside of my life right now, I was able to change out of my awful spanish class and into a good one! Life is okay. Auditions tomorrow. Crazy shit.

I'll write again soon. Hasta.