But I'm okay though.
I had a long talk with Andrew and Lizz. I love my nerds.
I'm in a better mood than when I last posted. Improvement?
I just thought I should document it.
Although I am not in the cute social group I would like to be, I am appreciated and people do care about me. Maybe not all in the same place, but they are there. I can always bother Andy on the trip.
As I'm packing for New York, I kind of realize what sort of state my wardrobe is in after I cleaned out my closet. I'm in dire need of long pants that actually fit and don't make my thighs look like large tumors on my legs.
Also, I need bras. The ladies have grown a little-thank you god.
TMI?
Probably.
I also need to get my desk cleared off, at minimum.
Geez. I'm going to get so self conscious in NYC. I'm not even rooming with people I'm uneasy around. Jane, Tab, and Jess? They've all seen me looking my worst. I'm not concerned.
But for some reason, I'm worried I will dress stupidly. Or pack that way.
Gah. I need to go shopping before we leave, damnit. For now, though, I'm packing what I can.
To Do:
1. clear off desk and in front of dresser
2. shop for bras that fit better, pants, "practical" makeup(better mascara, brown liner)
3. go to library for Regina Spektor and other good CD's. Load onto iTunes and sync with iPod.
that should be enough accomplishments for my life right now.
-sigh-
Hasta for now.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
"How Do You Feel Today?"
While cleaning out my backpack, I discovered this album, which was being handed out for free at a cd store downtown when I was there after school one day. I actually listened to it, and I'm not totally sure what to make of it. All the tracks kind of sounded the same. I mean, all of the them are interesting pieces of electronica, but are all comprised of the same sounds and had the same feel to all of them. I don't know if its boring or brilliant. I think when I'm doing homework or something, I'll listen to it all over again and re-evaluate it.
But that won't be for a while. It's spring break.
I'm heading to New York in a few days with the drama club.
I guess I'm excited. I don't really know anymore.
It's funny. In my last post, I mentioned self respect, but I'm not sure I can really get my self confidence back anymore.
Lately, I've just felt a lot of angst that's hard to get over. I've been feeling really alone and unappreciated. At school, no one wants to talk to me or is interested in how I'm doing. I don't belong there. It's mostly in the theater community.
I've tried so hard to stay positive and to seek people out. I guess I'm just a tag along. No one wants me around. At all. I feel so distant from everyone. Everyone is already in their own little circles and I'm just sort of there. I don't belong in any of them.
I have the feeling that NYC is just going to be a whirlpool of all of that. Everyone else talking together and laughing and having a time, and then there will be me in the back, alone, with no one to talk to. Because really, who would want to talk to obnoxious, boring freshman Molly?
At least I might be gone soon. DC will be a great way to start over. I just worry I'll have trouble finding somewhere to settle there.
I needed this rant. It's sad I can't talk to anyone else about this sort of thing.
Hopefully, New York won't be how I'm predicting. Maybe there are friends going that I'm not thinking of right now. My angst is confused.
Hasta.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Awkward turtle weather, picking a school, and some wisdom from an old friend
"You must do the thing you think you cannot do"-Eleanor Roosevelt
Now, I don't know if the weather is just messing with us right now and secretly plans for a blizzard tomorrow, but right now, its the awkward phase between winter and spring. Mild mornings and warmer afternoons, then freezing evenings. I've been walking to school since the snow melted, and of course being the daughter of a Jewish woman, dress warmer than I need to. Our thermostat is broken which is really frustrating because I have to essentially be my own meteorologist and guess how warm I need to dress in order to stay warm on the walk to school. This either works really well or fails miserably.
The other day I walked to scool in my bomber jacket and over it I had this gorgeous peacoat I got at F21 recently. I started out fine, if not a little cold, and by the time I got to the band room door I was shedding layers. I had armpit smell about me all day. I'm still a little embarrased even if no one really pointed it out to me.
As for the DC move, I've been looking at high schools with my mom-yes, I actually get to pick where I spend the next three years, thank you god-and the results have been interesting. She found two schools that boast great art and music progams. I was up til 3 looking at clubs, classes, and reviews on various websites for choosing schools.
The first school I looked at was Walt Whitman High School. At first, it seemed promising- lots of clubs and things, even a club for Jewish students. At a closer, more detailed view, it's not as great. The test scores are sky high, (on greatschools.com, central ranks a 5 on meeting standars. WWHS is a solid 10) the lack of diversity is ridiculous. The school is extremely well funded in everything it offers, and like most rich schools, comes attached to a specific type of person. The students get the idea that they are better than people around them, and from what I'm getting from pictures, have a very specific type of person you have to be in order to fit in. The model student has a bland way of dressing. Not unique. The percent of black and hispanic students is lower than the county's average. It seems like the school is mostly white and asian. Not really my cup of tea. I'm not going to learn much if everyone is the same.
The other one I looked at, Walter Johnson, is more or less the same. The theater program has a huge reputation, but I honestly don't think it's totally great. They put on one play and one musical each year. I'm not really liking the choices for them. Most of them are kind of over rated prestigious plays. Lots of Shakespeare and classical stuff. I mean, I appreciate that, but I love plays that are more modern. Even dirtier period plays seem out of the question at this theater. The user reviews on great schools.com are a mixed bag. Many of the reviews said the school challenged students and taught them real world skills and from what I saw of the classes, offer some decent courses in art. My biggest concern, like for Walt Whitman High, is the "snobby rich kids".
I talked to David about picking schools. He doesn't seem too fond of most of the kids on the coast. I got some really good advice from him: respect youself, and other people will respect you; ignore people who try to get to you; and be above the stupidity.
How did he get so freaking smart?
With these principles in mind, I actually got along with the people in my spanish class today. They didn't make fun of me. I actually felt respected. Not wanted or liked, per se, but respected. It felt good not to hear that laugh behind me and not get a bad feeling in my stomach from it. I find it sort of pathetic, yet eye opening, that I had to be spoon fed as simple of a lesson as self respect.
Today was mediocre, which is more than I can say most of the time. I got word again that people think I'm annoying. I actually confronted someone today about it. Before, I wouldn't have the guts.
Suddenly, I'm not as afraid as I was.
It all connected in my head, I guess. A lot of stuff happened today. Most of it was messy. Regardless, I think I've emerged less socially handicapped. I guess I'm easier to read than I thought.
I need to just calm the fuck down when I'm around people. I don't know why I get so anxious. I think the subconscious reaction is like "OMGYAYSOMEONEWHODOESN'THATEMYGUTSWHEEE!"and then I start to blather. As a result (like Curiously Social tries to explain), people start talking about me and I get very much misunderstood. As awkward and stupid as it was, I'm glad I learned something.
Bottom line: liking yourself, even a little, is really good for you, and just because you want to say something doesn't mean you should.
Because like it or not, not everyone is going to care if you know the origin of the tune of the national anthem.
I really just want to shut myself out from society all weekend. Work on biology, pick up and throw stuff away in my room.
Hell. I don't want to go to improv. I embarrassed myself enough as it is.
I just feel really stupid for ignoring Alex when he said I was trying to direct.
He was right, he was just being an ass about it.
I need to just calm down a little bit. Or learn. But honestly, the bad in the world isn't as bad as I thought, and the good in the world isn't as glistening shiny amazing as I thought. The in crowd has a way of doing that-seducing you into thinking that thier lifestyle is by far the best, and then you get there and it so wasn't worth it.
And there's always the reset button. Also known as Maryland.
Oy vey.
Hasta.
Now, I don't know if the weather is just messing with us right now and secretly plans for a blizzard tomorrow, but right now, its the awkward phase between winter and spring. Mild mornings and warmer afternoons, then freezing evenings. I've been walking to school since the snow melted, and of course being the daughter of a Jewish woman, dress warmer than I need to. Our thermostat is broken which is really frustrating because I have to essentially be my own meteorologist and guess how warm I need to dress in order to stay warm on the walk to school. This either works really well or fails miserably.
The other day I walked to scool in my bomber jacket and over it I had this gorgeous peacoat I got at F21 recently. I started out fine, if not a little cold, and by the time I got to the band room door I was shedding layers. I had armpit smell about me all day. I'm still a little embarrased even if no one really pointed it out to me.
As for the DC move, I've been looking at high schools with my mom-yes, I actually get to pick where I spend the next three years, thank you god-and the results have been interesting. She found two schools that boast great art and music progams. I was up til 3 looking at clubs, classes, and reviews on various websites for choosing schools.
The first school I looked at was Walt Whitman High School. At first, it seemed promising- lots of clubs and things, even a club for Jewish students. At a closer, more detailed view, it's not as great. The test scores are sky high, (on greatschools.com, central ranks a 5 on meeting standars. WWHS is a solid 10) the lack of diversity is ridiculous. The school is extremely well funded in everything it offers, and like most rich schools, comes attached to a specific type of person. The students get the idea that they are better than people around them, and from what I'm getting from pictures, have a very specific type of person you have to be in order to fit in. The model student has a bland way of dressing. Not unique. The percent of black and hispanic students is lower than the county's average. It seems like the school is mostly white and asian. Not really my cup of tea. I'm not going to learn much if everyone is the same.
The other one I looked at, Walter Johnson, is more or less the same. The theater program has a huge reputation, but I honestly don't think it's totally great. They put on one play and one musical each year. I'm not really liking the choices for them. Most of them are kind of over rated prestigious plays. Lots of Shakespeare and classical stuff. I mean, I appreciate that, but I love plays that are more modern. Even dirtier period plays seem out of the question at this theater. The user reviews on great schools.com are a mixed bag. Many of the reviews said the school challenged students and taught them real world skills and from what I saw of the classes, offer some decent courses in art. My biggest concern, like for Walt Whitman High, is the "snobby rich kids".
I talked to David about picking schools. He doesn't seem too fond of most of the kids on the coast. I got some really good advice from him: respect youself, and other people will respect you; ignore people who try to get to you; and be above the stupidity.
How did he get so freaking smart?
With these principles in mind, I actually got along with the people in my spanish class today. They didn't make fun of me. I actually felt respected. Not wanted or liked, per se, but respected. It felt good not to hear that laugh behind me and not get a bad feeling in my stomach from it. I find it sort of pathetic, yet eye opening, that I had to be spoon fed as simple of a lesson as self respect.
Today was mediocre, which is more than I can say most of the time. I got word again that people think I'm annoying. I actually confronted someone today about it. Before, I wouldn't have the guts.
Suddenly, I'm not as afraid as I was.
It all connected in my head, I guess. A lot of stuff happened today. Most of it was messy. Regardless, I think I've emerged less socially handicapped. I guess I'm easier to read than I thought.
I need to just calm the fuck down when I'm around people. I don't know why I get so anxious. I think the subconscious reaction is like "OMGYAYSOMEONEWHODOESN'THATEMYGUTSWHEEE!"and then I start to blather. As a result (like Curiously Social tries to explain), people start talking about me and I get very much misunderstood. As awkward and stupid as it was, I'm glad I learned something.
Bottom line: liking yourself, even a little, is really good for you, and just because you want to say something doesn't mean you should.
Because like it or not, not everyone is going to care if you know the origin of the tune of the national anthem.
I really just want to shut myself out from society all weekend. Work on biology, pick up and throw stuff away in my room.
Hell. I don't want to go to improv. I embarrassed myself enough as it is.
I just feel really stupid for ignoring Alex when he said I was trying to direct.
He was right, he was just being an ass about it.
I need to just calm down a little bit. Or learn. But honestly, the bad in the world isn't as bad as I thought, and the good in the world isn't as glistening shiny amazing as I thought. The in crowd has a way of doing that-seducing you into thinking that thier lifestyle is by far the best, and then you get there and it so wasn't worth it.
And there's always the reset button. Also known as Maryland.
Oy vey.
Hasta.
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